My Firsts

2005. I was stupid back then. Stupid and horny as hell. I got my first taste of boy puss that year and I haven’t been the same ever since. I also got my first taste of dang a lang...Sometimes I look back on those days and wish that some of the events never happened, but then I realize that every experience is a lesson learned and I should be grateful for every idiot that I have ever fucked with.

I have two FIRST boyfriends (I know that doesn’t make any sense, but FUCK YOU! This is my story dammit!) The first first was a young man that was a few years younger than me. I met him on some social networking site...uhmmm Myspace or Facebook or Blackplanet (yes, I’m THAT old), whatever was poppin at the time. We exchanged info and talked on a daily basis about stupid high school relationship nonsense. The relationship didn’t work because he was psycho and immature. We tried it again a few months later with the same result. An ex is an ex for a reason, and I learned that early.

We are still friends, somewhat. But that’s a story for another day. We never had SEX, which is why I have two firsts...

The second first was crazy. And not just regular crazy. He was psycho Texas Chainsaw Massacre serial killer crazy. He was from New Orleans (he was living here BEFORE Katrina), about 5’10, dark skinned, cute smile, nice ass, and a decent sized dick. I remember calling in sick to work one day so we could fuck. Yup...that was the day I lost my boyginity (boyginity=boy virginit...for those of you that can’t keep up), which was a very painful, yet pleasant experience. About a week later I got a phone call from him:

Him: Bae, I got something to tell you...

Me (fearing the worst): What?

Him: I cheated on you with my best friend.

Hold up...what now????

Me: What?

Him: I’m so so so sorry

I was young at the time, so I didn’t really know how to handle the situation. Let that shit happen now though...

Anywho, I really didn’t know what to do. And I didn’t have anyone to ask for advice. I couldn’t just walk up to my mom and say ‘My boyfriend cheated on me, what should I do?’ And my high school friends weren’t aware of my SEXUALITY.

But he apologized, and he seemed sincere, so I let the shit go and stayed with his triflin ass. Everything was cool for the next few months, but eventually we faded apart. I’m sure he did something to piss me off, but I can’t think of what it was at the moment. 

He called me a few months later.

Him: I miss you

Me: Nigga save that shit

Him: For real...I miss you

So we started talking again (yes, I fell for that bullshit. #dontjudgeme) Everything was good. We chilled (and fucked) every weekend. But it was my first year of college and there was plenty of sweet eye candy to look at during the week. Eventually I got tempted and tasted some of it. Yup...I cheated on him (payback is a bitch, right?)

I actually felt guilty about it, so I told him what I did. He was PISSED. We got into a fight over it...but he forgave me (like I really gave a fuck) and we moved on. We broke up again a few months later and we haven’t really talked since. We hit each other up every now and then on Facebook, but its not as heavy as it used to be.

This relationship taught me several things.

1. Niggas are NOT to be trusted. No exceptions
2. Niggas from Louisiana are CRAZY, ESPECIALLY if they are from New Orleans (no offense...) No exceptions
3. Niggas from Louisiana have good sex game 
4. Never trust a big butt and a smile

As for the other first...

Like I said, his ass was crazy and immature. But he was cute. And could ride dick like a soldier (or so I had heard). We talked again during my last year of college. He was a freshman and he KNEW that I had a boyfriend but he would always flirt with me and try to slide my pole in his hole. I’m not sure what it is, but apparently messing with married men is in these days. I won’t lie, I was tempted to break his back on several occasions. In fact, he invited me to his dorm room one day when his roommate wasn’t there. At first I didn’t plan on doing anything, but he started touching and kissing the right spots until I was rock hard. When I get horny, I turn into an animal. Something inside of me snaps...like when a pit bull senses a female in heat. 

So I knew I was fucking that night. Or so I thought...he played with the dick for a little while, but suddenly he said that he had a headache and he wasn’t feeling it.

REALLY? Really nigga? I wasn’t having that. I was gonna at least get some head, and that’s exactly what I did. I nutted all over his face. That’s what he gets for not giving me any ass...

That was about a year ago. We still talk on and off, but he’s got issues. MAJOR issues. AND he’s a gold digger. I really don’t have time for drama, and I don’t like having that element in my life. So we wave when we see each other in the club, and text each other once or twice a month. That’s about it...

An ex is an ex for a reason, but the first is always special (so they say). Both of my FIRSTS were crazy as hell...but that aint shit compared to some of the other psychos I’ve dated. But we’ll save that for another day...